Has someone ever apologized to you in a way that made you feel worse? You know the one — “I’m sorry you feel that what I did…” I hate those non-apologies.

When issues are brought up, instead of apologizing for the hurt and changing the behavior that was pointed out, the offender puts the burden of the apology upon the person who brought it up.

I will go into semantics here: “I’m sorry for my actions” is different from “I’m sorry that you felt my actions were ______” — one puts the burden of apology on the apologizer’s shoulders and the other shunts blame onto the person you are apologizing to. 

“I’m sorry that you felt my actions were ______” is not a true apology. And sometimes this nuance is lost on folks. It’s natural to be defensive because the action was not meant to be offensive and you don’t want to be seen as a bad person. But here’s the thing— seeing the incident as coloring your whole person and then defending yourself is not the correct action.

You are entitled to your opinions and reaction, but often times the reaction seems to be on the side of ignoring what the other party said and continuing to do the action the same way. The inability to see how your actions may have hurt others and the refusal to change or adapt your approach to make less pain for others is the real problem.

I’ve done this and then felt bad about how I said things as apologies. Sometimes I am able to re-do the apology by saying, “that came out wrong.” But many times, the person is so hurt by my failure to take responsibility, that it’s the end of a friendship or working relationship.

This came up because I was cleaning out files and found some conversations and documents from an incident that happened a few years ago.

A member of an organization I was a member of, decided that my bookkeeping should be audited because when I took over treasurer duties, I corrected the way the books were done. Previous treasurers who had no training or experience with bookkeeping software, were keeping the records from the date of the board meeting to the day of the next meeting.

I had two previous jobs where I was allowed budgets for payroll and book repair. I had to track expenditures and file reports. I was also treasurer for a social organization. In all these situations, I kept meticulous records.

So the first thing I did when I became Treasurer for the other organization was to go through the software and set up the account from the first of the month to that last day. One of the members set up an audit with an accounting firm. The organization paid the bill, but the member was not happy that the accountant only recommended that the utilities be separated out for better tracking.

That’s where the “apology” came in. The person pulled a similar apology for something they did at a different time and as far as I know, they are no longer a member of the organization.